Per-nal

Zerayn D.

I tried, but I feel like I’d rather be somebody else. From my firsthand experiences, I see myself rather an assistant to those in positions of leadership. I have observed the taxing nature of the responsibility. Whether as an adolescent or in the context of community leadership, I have witnessed firsthand the draining demands placed upon these individuals, and how their devotion to the welfare of others often comes at a significant personal cost. It is disheartening to see those who have given so selflessly left exhausted and isolated in the wake of their efforts.

When I was starting out as a leader, I approached leadership with a fervent desire to be the most humble, the most selfless, and the most empathetic. I poured myself into the service of others, sacrificing my own time and energy in favor of those under my charge. My dedication, though honorable, did not come without consequence. Eventually, I found myself burnt out and dejected, a state of affairs that forced me to reevaluate my approach to leadership and the balance between service and self-preservation.

Aside from my experience, I have also meet other leaders and eventually observed them. I noticed two types of a leader. One is really passionate about being a servant, pouring his/herself to the work so unselfishly. A leader like this is focused on helping people. Thus, people validate his integrity and treat him in great veneration. The other was all about power and politics, trying to look good while stabbing others in the back. A leader such as this is like a clanging empty can.

Witnessing these polar opposite expressions of leadership left me ambivalent about my own personal trajectory. On the one hand, I was deeply committed to the concept of service and devotion to those around me, but on the other hand, I feared that such dedication would come at the cost of my own mental well-being and family life. I grappled with this inner conflict, unsure of how to reconcile my ideals with the realities of leadership. So, I chose to be a support person, an assistant to the leader, stepping up when needed but staying out of the limelight.

…whoever would be first among you must be servant of all. Mark 10:44

Daily writing prompt

Do you see yourself as a leader?

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